Anguished English


I'm currently reading 'Lost for Words' by John Humphrys. Humphrys' a BBC correspondent who is quite anguished with the way English is being mangled and manipulated. In this book, thankfully, he doesn't come across as a frustrated pedant but a lover of the language expressing his genuine concern.

While reading it, I couldn't help recall our own howlers from India. We, like everyone else, use English quite casually and make a lot of mistakes. Even more so because, here, English has seamlessly merged with our regional languages and hence we use English words while we speak Telugu or Hindi or worse, end up speaking English like Tamil.

Among the famous ones, I particularly enjoy people saying 'I and kumar will finish this job'. The proper usage demands saying 'Kumar and I will finish this job'. Once, during a client call, my ex-colleague said 'I, Narayan and Arun will review the files'. The project manager pointed out that it's wrong. Rajesh demanded to know why. Because you always put the donkey last, said the project manager. 'Well, that's what I have done, haven't I?', was his reply.

It's an interesting exercise to list the number of blatant solecisms we use here. I'm referring to people saying 'I camed' or 'I wented'. That's a rarity. But then, my own friend, who has an excellent vocabulary often says something like 'Akai tv is worser than Aiwa'. Repeated reminders haven't changed him and now he says it even consciously.

People in IT often use the word 'updation' quite casually. Microsoft Word always catches them but they don't change it to 'update'.

Though I myself make a lot of grammatical howlers, my famous ones were merely restricted to missing articles and some tense confusions. So, I also had a share in this debacle. But it never hurts to laugh at other's howlers. If you are interested, there's this another book called 'Anguished English' by Richard Lederer, is a collection of various accidental assualts on English and it will have you in splits. Some samples:

School Essays:
1. a virgin forest is a place where the hand of man has never set foot.
2. The problem with intersexual swimming is that the boys often outstrip the girls.
3. At the end of The Awakening, Edna thinks only of herself. Her suicide is selfish because she leaves all who care about her behind.

Church noticeboards:
1. There will be a baptism meeting in the south and north end of the church. Children will be baptised at both ends.
2. Why let worry kill you? Let the church help.

Classified advertisements
1. Wanted: Antique desk for a lady with thick legs and large drawers.
2. Dog for sale: Eats anything and is very fond of children.
3. Illiterate? Write for free help: address

And finally, my favourite, in a School essay: A passive verb is when the subject is the sufferer, as in "I am loved."